malevole

25-03-2003 21:46 #

"Today I've eaten as many oranges as pickled onions"

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"You know how the time machine in Terminator would only send things inside meat? Couldn't they just cover the robot with Pukka Pies, or tape loads of kittens over it or something?"

16-03-2003 15:39 #

Need some dummy text to temporarily fill a gap in a design or document? Not happy with the usual Latin nonsense?

Try using my handy new Text Generator

15-03-2003 14:08 #

"I'm actually a very safe driver..."
Anyone who's recently watched daytime TV in the UK will no doubt have encountered this amazing advertisement [warning: huge MPEG video file].

It not only features an incredibly subtle, layered performance by Michael Winner (director of Death Wish, Death Wish 2 and Death Wish 3), but also the lowest-velocity crashes ever seen outside of an old people's home car park.

12-03-2003 20:39 #

Forget Dr Pepper, after last week I'm proud to announce this site is now sponsored by Dioralyte Relief™.

Let's just say that er.. the landlord of my digestive tract suddenly ordered a mass eviction by both exits, but thanks to Dioralyte Relief™ I'm now back to full health.
Dioralyte Relief™, for all your gastrointestinal needs.

25-02-2003 21:10 #

Half the ideas on this site are nicked from conversations at work, but here's a couple of properly credited items:

From Jazz, an example of the level of common sense displayed by some employees of the Royal Mail.

Morcs suggests trying watching TV whilst either eating Ginger Nuts or cleaning your teeth with an electric toothbrush.

19-02-2003 23:24 #

An innovative filing system refined over the years

Following a jolly Saturday afternoon chat on my mobile with a nice man at the Inland Revenue, I had to spend some time sorting through 6 years of paperwork. Nothing as interesting as fraud or tax evasion was involved I'm afraid (if anything they owe me some cash), but it did manage to distract me from site updates for a while.

26-01-2003 16:43 #

From: louise
Date: 26 January 2003 14:41
Subject: MALEVOLE CONTACT FORM SUBMISSION
i am trying to find out how many fags i can bring back benidorm can you help at all thanks

From: Matt Round
Date: 26 January 2003 15:51
Subject: Re: MALEVOLE CONTACT FORM SUBMISSION
Hi Louise, I'm afraid I've never been to Benidorm and don't smoke, so that information's never been something I've needed, sorry. Have a nice holiday though.
 
Matt.

21-01-2003 19:17 #

Sometime in the early 80s, on a rainy afternoon in Beaumaris, I spent 50p on a copy of Willy The Kid Book 2, by Leo Baxendale.

It's full of daft comic humour and nice little touches, but this one had me scratching my head for over 10 years, until I finally got the joke. See if you're any quicker.

12-01-2003 14:15 #

Urgh.
A colleague brought some Hershey chocolate back from the U.S. Our verdict? "Looks like shit, smells like shit, tastes like puke." We're seemingly not alone... ("essence of vomit and rotting flesh";"well rotted manure";"taste as good as anal surgery feels")

08-01-2003 23:57 #

Death of a Web Legend

Oolong, balancer of countless miscellaneous objects, has passed away. Those with a tendency to cry at the end of Watership Down might want to avoid hovering over the pictures to read the descriptions.


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