make your own Kiddie Surprise

Kiddie Surprise: The Gordon Approach [new]

Novelty chocolate eggs containing weird little toys designed by people on drugs are all very well, but you never quite know what you'll get for as many as 42 of your hard earned pence. Instead, guarantee satisfaction and peace of mind by following these instructions to make one yourself.

Firstly, select suitable items for the egg's contents. Here I've opted for a plastic sealion, a pencil sharpener and some glittery stickers which were free in a box of cereal. You might want to aim for a similar balance between fun and education.

Next, you need to place the items in a small, chocolate-tight container. If you can't find a suitable container try clingfilm. I didn't have any clingfilm either and so used a taped-up sandwich bag, but any plastic bag should work as well.

We're going for an authentic two-layer chocolate shell, so melt some white chocolate (I find placing the bar in a trouser pocket during a long walk beforehand gives the melting process a head start) and pour it over your container/clingfilm/bag. Let this cool for a while until it sets.

Now melt some milk chocolate (from your other trouser pocket) and apply it with care. Try to get a smooth, even coating. It's worth putting in some extra effort at this stage to get an authentic shape, attention to detail is crucial.

Once the outer layer has solidified, wrap your egg in foil. As you can see, it's really starting to come together now, but we're not quite there yet.

For a final touch, make a colourful label (feel free to take inspiration from my design, which I drew in coloured pencil) and affix it with sticky tape. Hey presto, you now have a delightful treat for any well-behaved child, loved one or potential sexual partner.


Kiddie Surprise: The Gordon Approach

Regular Toast Leaners' Club correspondent Gordon has er.. his own unique approach:

Hi Matt,

It's been awhile since I last emailed you, but I just had to let you know that a group of us were very pleased with your kiddie surprise DIY project. Of course we came up with a few minor changes which might enhance the mood of the moment.

The first problem we encountered was that American chocolate evidently melts at a higher temperature than the British product. Even a 10 mile walk failed to accomplish the desired melted sweet and took most of the day besides. My friends were grumbling "...damn that Matt guy..." but I insisted that they keep faith and we eventually solved the problem. Fortunately, I have a couple of friends who get all dolled up in their Spandex bicycle "costume" and go for long rides. I enlisted them to each place one chocolate packet into the pouch of their riding shorts and away they rode. Sure enough, after only about 15 minutes of hard riding they returned and a couple of us wrestled them to the ground and recovered the precious chocolate. Some guys have no sense of the urgency of this project. (At first we thought one of the packets had not softened but..... that's another story.) Anyway, after a few beers, we rounded up some of the neighborhood basxxx... kids and proceeded with the fun.

Our method of presentation of the treats was perhaps a little different than you had in mind but trust me, those kids will never forget it. First we blindfolded the kids and taped the chocolate treat to the forehead of all but one child. The remaining child was given a croquet mallet and pursued the prizes piñata style until he knocked one to the ground. The next child in turn then received the mallet and his chance at a sweet. One of my sicker friends filled one of the chocolate shells with ketchup and when struck it made a splat like a 9mm headshot. Jeez, we're sure glad to have found your project Matt. You really know how to liven up an otherwise dull afternoon.



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