Toast Leaners' Club

Please note: TLC is not connected in any way with less reputable toast-related
organisations such as Freetoastery and the Church of Toastology.


One might equally ask "Why breathe?", "Why live?" or "Why exist?". To cool toast with such joyous efficiency is to take delight in each crunchy bite, each crisp morsel, and repel the evils of toast with a soggy underside or sodden with molten margarine.

This page represents a first - never before has the art of toast leaning been documented and brought out into the open. Yet somehow it has survived this secrecy. Whether techniques have been quietly passed from parent to child through millennia, or arise from a primitive instinct within us, is one of the great mysteries of life.


Send in your tips, queries, photos and tales of toast leaning. We're particularly keen to see any photos of toast-leaning experiments.

15th September 2002 [new!]

i stumbled into your site,
I couldn't believe my eyes,
The object of my desire,
Such a pleasant surprise,
I shiver from head to toe,
as though touched by a ghost,
The sight of it stiff and standing proud,
I want it oh my lovely toast...
Orgasmic pleasures,from one who treasures....
The texture,sight and smell of toast xxxxxx
Just thought i would share my thoughts on your wonderful toast site xx
- Moon
The toast is placed upon her skin,
The moans erupt from deep within,
The blindfold is securely tied,
The pleasurable sounds,justified,
The sound of someone eating toast,
The crumbs delicately landing upon the host,
She moans as she arches her back,
He smiles at his human toast rack.............
- Moon

Phew, well er.. I guess you've opened up a whole new area of toast appreciation there Moon. Whilst TLC isn't seeking to become a toast-fetish porn site, it's important we remain able to discuss the topic as adults.

I suspect you might enjoy the Toaster Meets Poptart link added to the column on the right.

OK Toast Leaners, it's time to stand up for our manhood ! Major(ret) Throttlebottom or whoever the hell he is has gone too far and now it's up to those of us who have come out of the toast leaner's closet to stand up and be counted.
Real men do lean toast! Real men have always appreciated the perfect toast experience! Ya' know, I served my country too and if not for us the queen would be up to her bloody knickers in howling bands of pajama clad commie pinko sympathizing bedwetters. We fought our guts out in a jungle where there was absolutely no appreciation of toast. Not one of us ever felt the need to drag our toast across some urchin's diaper.. we'll leave that perversion to the Major(ret). Hell, we toasted our bread on the blazing barrels of field artillery between salvos. There just wasn't time to stop the war and take the measure of some mascot's reproductive organs... we just ate our toast as it was and damn glad to get it. Shoulder to shoulder, we blasted the crap out of the commie war machine (some said it was a hospital, but I know a commie war machine when I see one... trust me). The war was pain in the ass enough for us.... we didn't need steaming pots of obscene curry paste defiling our precious toast.
Stand up guys.... defend your rights! Put this Major(ret) in his place wherever the hell that may be. Form your own group... Savor Heavenly Inclined Toast... don't be intimidated! Here's what I want you to do... right now.. RIGHT NOW!! Get up from that chair... go over to the window... DO IT! Open the window as wide as you can... go ahead, I'm doing it as we speak. OK? Now, shout as loudly as you can for the world to hear...... "I'M A MAN!... I LEAN MY FREAKING TOAST !!.... AND IT'S O' FREAKING K'!!
There, don't you feel better now? I certainly do.... although there are days that I wish I didn't live next door to that damned convent.
Don't forget to close the window!
- Gordon
I shamelessly knicked this little graphic from an archived website. I know it's wrong and I promise never to do it again, but look at those eyes...... longingly enticing... wistfully seeking the nurturing that can only come from a true lover of toast and toasters. Had I abandoned this little guy (gal) in the digital debris field of the web, I would never have forgiven myself.

What the fuck Matt, I'm 61 years old and a hostage of burned bread and it's plethora of toasting paraphernalia. I used to be a normal guy...... Shit, I had a life! Now it seems that every time I cross the path of anything toast related on some pissweed mind-rotting site, I cannot stop myself from harvesting it and sending it to someone in a far away country..... someone I don't even know. It's OK though; the voices tell me so.
- Gordon

Look, Gordon, I like my toast as much as the next man, but I really think you've been overdoing it. Unplug the toaster for a couple of weeks, try some sandwiches (untoasted) instead, maybe a Mr. Kipling cake or two. You'll feel better for the break, and more able to enjoy your toast without it becoming an unhealthy obsession.

Leaning??, Why waste precious moments to cool when you can have your favourite topping hot and drippingly fresh with no soggy bits??
Like my beer for instance; you pop a top and drink it, when its finished, you pop another and drink it..
Why so different for toast!! I love my toast with copious splurges of butter and honey. How? some of you may ask do I achieve the ultimate without leaning to prevent the soggy downside??
Well simple really. Like the beer, When the first two pop up i imediately pop in two more and while the second two are toasting I am buttering and splodging on the honey and I have devoured them Fresh, hot and drippingly delicious bfore the next two are ready Yum Yum
- Herman
I must say that I feel for you people. Over here in the western world we have no worries of toast precipitation, and we certainly have no use for cold toast (ie useless bricks).
- Mike

I've tried reasoning with you, carefully explaining the delights you're clearly blind to.. but it's just not getting us anywhere. ARE YOU DEVOID OF ANY SENSES? WHY DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?!? WHAT THE FUCK DOES IT TAKE TO GET THROUGH TO YOU PEOPLE!!??!?! WHY MUST WE FIGHT FOR TOAST LEANING TO BE UNDERSTOOD AAAARRGGHHHHHHH

22nd July 2002

Deep musings on the meaning of toast, from opposing sides of the debate. Where do you stand on these issues?

10th July 2002

the toast thing. we all know why we do it. we all know the risks. leave them for too long and you'll wreck your gums on the dryness, put them down too soon in a rare lapse of judgment, you're stuck with soggy. no way back. this is a fine line we are treading upon. i am strengthened by the knowledge i do not walk alone anymore. let those who lay flat, lay flat. we know our slices will always support each other...
- Quintus

I'm deeply moved. I daren't read that again in case I have to wipe away a little tear.

I take my hot toast and wave it somewhat quickly from side to side in the air. About 10 waves holding it on one end of the toast, and then I grab the other end and repeat. Martha Stewart does it that way, and by God, that's good enough for me.
- Craig

I feel I should warn readers against this dangerous technique - those living near airfields have been known to lead taxiing aircraft onto their property with disastrous consequences. It's true, I read it somewhere on the Web.

Your page on toast-leaning reminded me of a lovely site I once came across. Only slightly related, but definately worth a look.
- Butter McToasttoast

Thanks for the link, although I was disappointed none of the women featured had been initiated into the art of toast leaning. Perhaps the more open attitudes promoted by TLC will help rectify this.

Fantastic stuff, toast, and a great site explaining to normal people what the virtues attached to this remarkable food stuff are. Ive recently bought a new toaster, and its quite good, however, if I only want one piece, then its damn tricky to get it just right. I often have three slices, so two are perfect and one slightly more crispy. This causes a problem as when I do a three slice stack, in the shape of the Albert Hall, the dome part is always leaning. That has just given me a great idea !! Leaning tower of Pisa, im off to try it.
- Steve

Or the Empire Toast Building? Granary Wharf..? Can't wait for the pics.

This may be considered heresy, but what is your stance on the use of Marmite/Vegemite as an adhesive for more adventurous toast structures?
- Graeme

To be honest, I'm not one for gimmicks, although I'm sure it has its place. It's all too easy to start out with just a harmless little bit of spread to get you through a tricky cool, then before you know it you're unable to perform even the simplest lean without the aid of toppings and condiments.

Preparing toast is a little like making a baked alaska - it's all down to timing - if you use fresh bread and don't brown it too much, then launch it straight from the toaster onto your plate where you butter it, then it loses very little moisture, and you don't need to drink so much tea while you eat it. Leaning your toast defies this principle, because it involves leaving it to dry out before consumption. This means that toast leaning is the work of satan.
- Matt
No, I have to fight against this cooling of toast. I purposely make sure that I obtain the hottest piece of toast available so that I can melt my butter right into the very fabric of the scorched bread. What is the point of toast if it's cooled? You might as well just buy crackers, the very nature of toast is that it's HOT baby! Stop this namby pamby cooling shit man and get hot.
- Tom
Cold toast before spreading!iv`e never heard of such a vile act.?? It is well known that toast leaning not only leads to cold toast,which denies the butter/margarine to melt and soak.It also leads to obsesive erratic behaviour including:oats on cereal/cold milk on weetabix and herbal tea indulgance. cold toast is not only sinful... it's a CRIME.!!!
- Lee

I display these messages in order to show what we, as toast leaners, are up against.

Cool toast man, so right
- Anus

Thanks. Unlike the preceding correspondents, you're clearly not talking out of your arse.

11th June 2002

My nan freezes her bread. When she wants a sandwich she breaks two slices of the frozen loaf & leans them against each other as per your diagram until they defrost. My nan is 83.
- Jay

Surely the bread sags then collapses as it defrosts? Does your nan keep herself fit by leaping across the room to catch it just in time? Is she desperately trying to pass toast leaning techniques on to a younger generation but has become confused in her old age?

Boy, you sure touched a nerve with that toaster item. It's almost like Deja Vu...... I can remember my mother putting bread into that thing...... it had little doors on the side and they dropped down so you could load two slices of bread. Then you had to lift them to the closed position and wait for what seemed an eternity while those little glowing wires inside toasted the bread to a golden brown. A tub of freshly churned butter waited alongside and mom would spread gobs of it on each slice. Lord, it seems like yesterday there in that old kitchen..... hell, I'm 61 now... Ya know, I can almost recall those conversations with mom as she took the toast from that toaster and propped them up like a little pup tent there on the table while they cooled. She explained that the bread had to be at just the right temperature so that the fresh butter, bread, and wax sealed raspberry preserve would meld into magic combination.
The only problem was that I was about 7 at the time and it seemed to take freakin forever for the toast to cool. Jeez, at that age I had the taste buds of a German Shepard and couldn't give a rolling rat's rectum about the temperature. I used to sit there drumming my fingers on the table top while that fargin' bread cooled and little puddles of saliva collected beneath my jowls.
One morning this whole schtick got the best of me and I grabbed the toaster by it's two little doors and clapped the whole freaking thing over mom's face..... and I'll never forget the expression on that face, illuminated softly by the glow of those wires..... But she learned, dammit she learned.... not to screw around with my breakfast.
Believe it or not, she forgave my lapse of manners and even chalked the scars up to french kissing some guy through an electric fence.
Well, here it is many years later and we'll be sitting down together to a chicken dinner with all the fixin's........ soon as that freaking plastic thing in the bird's ass pops up!
- Gordon

Gordon, I'm deeply disturbed, shocked, dismayed and sickened by your email. But hey, thanks for getting in touch, hope you enjoy the site!

I also stand two pieces of toast together, but only when using 'toast toppers' otherwise the butter melts and you can't get an even coating. 'Toast Toppers' are small tines of topping which you put on toast and then grill, they're about the consistency as baby food. They come in cheese and ham, mushroom and chicken and a load of other flavours. Cheers for now.
- Dave

I must confess to wariness of any foodstuff with a best-before date several hundred years in the future. I'm also convinced that the fact we stop feeding infants vile sludge once they're fully capable of biting us is no coincidence. But your point about molten butter jeopardising even coatings of subsequent toppings is a helpful reminder of yet another benefit of toast leaning.

Sure. If you don't tent the toast one side of each slice gets soggy. No-brainer. But don't let it cool too much, or the butter doesn't melt right. If you use margarine, kill yourself.
- Discord

A tad harsh; minor brain surgery is usually sufficient to correct such deviant behaviour.

I also stand toast on a plate in pyramid fashion but being a pig I do it with six pieces and find it is much better this way than lying it down
- Myke

Perhaps someone with several toasters and a steady hand could attempt a toast leaning pyramid of epic proportions?

Yeah mate - I do stand my toast upright - not to let them cool but to stop them getting all sweaty (leave a slice of toast lying on a plate for a minute then look underneath - not only has the plate got condensation all over it but the bottom of the toast has gone all soggy). your not alone...
- Patch
I too stand the pieces of toast against each other. The reason is not because I want them to cool, as I prefer toast hot, but so that condensation doesn't form 'twixt plate and toast, thus making the toast soggy on one side.
- Chops

Ah well, at least you're both part of the way towards fully appreciating the benefits of toast leaning.

my dad does the toast thing too!!! u r not alone!
- A. Sage


everyone looks at me strangely when i stand two pices of toast together. it prevents the underside becoming soggy due to condensation when lying flat on a plate. there used to be things called toast racks to serve this function, one day i hope to inherit one.
- Norm

I've heard rumours of such devices from time to time, but have yet to see photographic evidence. Do these 'racks' for toast give better cooling performance than toast leaning?!?

yeah...I do that toast thing. So does my flatmate. Yeah. Might want to talk about the probs involved in cooking just ONE pieece of toast...for this I usually balance it on the back of a fork placed on a plate...(!)
- Lipton

All hail the ninja toast leaner.

Why the fuck would you let the toast cool before buttering it? Don't you want the butter to melt and get warm? Don't get me wrong. I always build pyramids out of my toast but only AFTER the butter is melted.
- Sean




malevole home page


Toast Leaners' Club

Add the button to your site, let us know and get a link here.


A basic two-slice lean.

Overhead view.

A more advanced single-slice lean. Notice the clever use of the curvature of the plate to achieve perfect balance.

Ninja toast-cooling! Use of cutlery should only be attempted by trained experts.

Note: The toasted bread in the above pictures is believed to be a crusty wholemeal, but the techniques shown can be applied to other types of loaf. However, beginners should avoid thin or uneven slices.